Charlie Sheen woke up this morning with more than just a regular headache from too much booze, cocaine and exertion from the nimble porn actresses under each arm and leg.
Casino gambling news has learned from a Las Vegas source that within a three hour time frame, Charlie sheen managed to lose a million dollars at a blackjack card games and somehow wound up converting into Islam, while ordering burgers from a mosque “he thought was a disguised fast food restaurant.”
Editor Note: A story such is this is normally discarded as a hoax but since it involves Charlie Sheen, the impossible suddenly becomes highly probable.
A post on a popular internet rumor forum tells that Charlie and his entourage were apparently in the middle of a three day orgy, surrounded by the finest porn starlets, casino girls, and strippers that Sin City has to offer.
Charlie tired of being cooped up inside the penthouse of a 5 star casino hotel while under the influence of every known oral, nasal, and smokable pleasure enhancer that a Columbian chemist can concoct.
After reportedly inhaling a line of cocaine thicker than a highway divider, Charlie stumbled out with a small group of friends.
The group returned three hours later without a burger but with Charlie who managed to lose a million dollars playing high stakes blackjack for 30 minutes all while waiting for his limo at the casino’s blackjack tables.
Details are sketchy but after leaving the casino, the highly intoxicated party apparently mistook the world’s only drive-through mosque for a drive through fast food burger restaurant and the barely conscious Charlie apparently thought that converting to Islam was the requirement to order a burger.
Charlie along with everyone but the shocked limo driver apparently converted to Islam and became belligerent after the imam refused to provide five dozen bacon burgers and the group was escorted off the premises.
Unfortunately, unlike a Las Vegas wedding which can be annulled in seconds, leaving Islam may be a bit more difficult than most people imagine. According to Islamic law, membership is a lifelong commitment, and just like the Cosa Nostra, once you’re in, there is no getting out.
That’s what a 24 year old Iranian man discovered today the hard way, after being sentenced to death for publicly stating that “Islam is no fun” and that he wants to spend Friday nights gambling, drinking, and having fun instead of taking suicide vest making classes at the local mosque.
The judges ruled that since Islam is the religion of peace, anyone leaving must obviously be against peace and therefore be immediately put to death.
At least there won’t not be a need for a traditional Muslim circumcision, since Charlie bin Winning already had penis reduction surgery six years ago, after numerous complaints from porn stars.
This is indeed great news for lucky Charlie since according to Islamic sources: the circumcision ceremony is traditionally performed without anesthesia, to feel the prophet’s pain while the words of Allah have not yet reached all people around the world.
The eight hour long ceremony is performed with a dull knife, as a reminder that peace is achieved slowly and only through a lot of pain; and of course to heighten the overall religious experience. (Yikes, now I understand why Muslim men always look angry.)
But all’s well that ends well. Since Las Vegas is not governed by Islamic Sharia Laws yet, but by good ole casinos, Charlie will be off the crescent hook in no time for a small donation. So as the saying goes, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, and the many shallow graves in the desert sand can attest to that.