Tuesday, 22 November 2011

Dharna Dude meets Jaali Jihadi

Express Tribune
The dudes talk PTI, jihad, partying, yahoodi saazish and the all important Fullbright Scholarship. ILLUSTRATION: JAHANZAIB HAQUE
The characters:
Dharna Dude: Loves X-Box, facials and Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaaf (PTI)
Jaali Jihadi: Hates the Jews, likes the Taliban, loves Jamat-e-Islami (JI), and also Katrina Kaif (secretly)
Dialogue ensues sometime in the future, at a “Shukrana Rally called by PTI and JI to celebrate the American withdrawal from Afghanistan.
Dharna Dude: Helloooo JJ ma man! Whats happening Bro? We did it didn’t we dude? PTI and JI are like BFF man. Americans are tu bhago-fying (the Americans are running).
Jaali Jihadi: Asalam o Alaikum bhai jaan. Thanks to Allah we have succeed. We must do shukrana (gratitude) Nawafil, as it is holy day of Friday.
Dharna Dude: So true Bro. Friday it is dude, we are so gonna parto-fy tonight dude… yeah!… All night long man.
Jaali Jihadi: Afghanistan is first one, now it is baari (turn) of Bosnia, Kashmir, Falastine (Palestine), and Chechniya.
Dharna Dude: You forgot one, man.
Jaali Jihadi: Which is that one?
Dharna Dude: Dudee, Kashghar ma man; my cuz went there this summer dude and they are like maro-fying (killing) so many Muslims yaar, that place needs to be Jihad-ofied dude.
Jaali Jihadi: Acha ( really)? Waisay Kashgar is very good Muslims, Iqbal say, Aik hon Muslim Haram ki pasbani kay liyey… Neel kay sahil say lay ker ta-ba-khak-e-Kashghar… which country is killing Kashghar Muslim, it is Norway or Denmark?
Dharna Dude: No dude, it is the Chinese; they are killo-fying (killing) all the Muslims man.
Jaali Jihadi: What? What you say?
Dharna Dude: I swear dude, it’s the Chinese. They are like bringing the whole city down dude – really sad.
Jaali Jihadi: No, it is lie. China is best friend, just like ourbiradar (brother) country
Dharna Dude: But… she said…
Jaali Jihadi: No it is lie, China peoples favorite song is Pak Chun Yoyi Wansuray.” It mean Pak Cheen Dosti Zindabaad.
Dharna Dude: But she actually saw…
Jaali Jihadi: O yaar it is yahudi sazish. (Hey man, it is a Jewish conspiracy.) It must be India soldier who go to Kashghar when China soldier is sleeping and then kill Muslim and tell your cousin that he is China soldier, but it is lie, it is lie. China is best friend, it is all Jewishsazish.
Dharna Dude: Yeah Dude. The Jews are conspirofying (conspiring) all the time, and you know what the biggest Jewish sazish is?
Jaali Jihadi: What is it?
Dharna Dude: The Fulbright scholarship man!
Jaali Jihadi: Oh! You also apply for Fulbright scholarship?
Dharna Dude: Like hellllooo? Three times man. They didn’t even call me for an interview, like seriously. And you know why not? You know why? Because I am a Muslim and I am brown, that’s why. What’s a Muslim to do man? Like seriously what? That’s why I joino-fied (joined) PTI man, so much injustice dude – we need justice.
Jaali Jihadi: Ok, how much did you get in your GRE examination?
Dharna Dude: *cough cough* Come on man, that’s personal details dude, you don’t ask that kinda stuff JJ ma man.
Jaali Jihadi: I give GRE exam but fail in English. Your English very good Mashallah. How you improve it?
Dharna Dude: Dude, you gotta speako-fy (speak). You see all thosegora (white) babies, they can’t speak English when they are born, they just say bwaah bwaah. But then they speak it man, you gotta speak, listen to songs and stuff. And dude, you gotta watch movies dude – Hollywood.
Jaali Jihadi: Yes, I also like English movie, I watch all part of Twee-light.
Dharna Dude: Huh? Like seriously? Come on man. That’s like really uncool. Twilight is for girls who are too young for chick flicks and too old for Hannah Montana. You don’t watch that okay? It’s bad. Like very bad.
Jaali Jihadi: Yes, Allah maaf karay (Allah forgive me), movie watching is bad, but I fast forward all the gunda (dirty) scene, I only look at boiz, waisay very beautiful boiz Mashallah…
Dharna Dude: Dude! Like you do not checko-fy (check out) other dudes man. That’s like super uncool dude, like super duper uncool.
Jaali Jihadi: What you mean uncool?
Dharna Dude: You don’t check out guys okay? It is like…what’s the word, hmm yes, haram… its haram.
Jaali Jihadi: Yes, tobah, movie is harammagar shaitan aap ko majboor ker daita hai (the devil tempts you).
Dharna Dude: Come on JJ ma bro, you gotta speak English dude. We gotta ace this GRE dude! Muslim power man. Oh by the way, do you watch Bollywood? Like Indian movies and stuff?
Jaali Jihadi: Yes, some some time.
Dharna Dude: Dude I only watch ones with Katrina man. That chick is smoking hot. Sheila ki jawaaani…. tee tee teee teeeeeee teeeeeeee *dances*
Jaali Jihadi: Oye! What you say?
Dharna Dude: Chillaax ma Bro. Tee tee teee teeeeeee teeeeeeee *dances*
Jaali Jihadi: Oh-you-shitup!
Dharna Dude: Huh? Wha? I just said she is hot, like why…
Jaali Jihadi: Chup baysharam! (Quiet, shameless!) All you PTI peoples is baysharam just like your leader.
Dharna Dude: Dude, you do not  say that about Imran-the-man-Khan okay? He is the bravest and most honestest man in Pakistan. Respect, okay?
Jaali Jihadi: ChupBara aya brave shrave (whatever brave). We beat him in Punjab University and he say nothing, how brave? Shitup ho ja warna
Dharna Dude: Warna kya? (Otherwise what?) We just kicked the Yankees out of Afghanistan man. Don’t mess with us. Kasam say ( I swear) you guys are so uncool. Like so so so uncool.
Jaali jihadi: What you say? Uncool mean haram! You call us bad name? Bhaiyoon, iss khabees nay humay gaali de hai! Pakro! (brothers, he just abused us. Catch him)
*Dharna Dude gets pummeled*
Dharna Dude: No no! Ouch! PTI bacha-ofy (save yourself).

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