Hi, I’m Nadine von Cohen and I’m a non-practicing Jewish orphan who loves Christmas. I just love it. I love the trees, the food, the creepy jolly dude with the beard, and the annual celebration of the awesomeness of reindeer.

Growing up as a Jewish kid in a non-denominational school, Christmas was always a time of jealousy and resentment for me. Sure, we had Chanukah, but Chanukah is kind of lame, and was only invented by Moses to make Jewish kids feel better about missing out on Christmas. Fact.

But as I’ve gotten older I have fallen in love with all things Yule, and now delight in the merriment without having to deal with any of the related stress. Sure, it’s hard to be a Jew on Christmas (see video below) but at least I don’t have to go broke buying presents for distant step-cousins I’ve never met or go insane dealing with my drunk, handsy uncle at Christmas lunch.
So as the world waits for a fat dude in a red onesie to break into their houses and pilfer their cookies, here is my pick of holiday ditties to help you rock out while putting your stockings out.

There is no Mariah Carey on this list. If this upsets you, write a letter.

10. Do They Know it’s Christmas? – Band Aid

A few years ago I went to a Christmas party in a recording studio. It was a lovely party involving all the usual party things – drinking, dancing, snogging and falling over (usual for me, that is). It also involved cramming 50 people into a recording room and “laying down a cover” (as I believe it is called in “the biz”) of Band Aid’s ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas?’. Having been blessed with a singing voice slightly more nasal than that of The Nanny, I lent my vocal chords strictly to the chorus, but I was channelling Cyndi Lauper nonetheless. I often channel Cyndi Lauper; that bitch is awesome.

I actually, really love this song. It makes me happy which is odd for a song about starving children in Africa.

9. Christmas in Hollis – Run DMC

I only learned of the existence of this video two days ago but since then I have watched it at least 15 times and subjected everyone I know to its brilliance. Oh, Run DMC, you crazy bastards!

8. Blue Christmas – Elvis Presley (with Martina McBride)
Every year this reminds me that Elvis was the handsomest, sexiest, most Elvisy Elvis that ever lived, and that makes me very happy. It also reminds me that I do not now, nor will I ever, look anything like Martina McBride, and that makes me very sad. Emotions are weird.

7. The Chanukah Song – Adam Sandler
I’ve never been particularly fussed about Adam Sandler. He seems like a nice enough dude, but his movies have never appealed to me, and his determination to help Rob Schneider get jobs/laid is unforgivable. However this is one of the funniest songs about poor man’s Christmas that has ever been written, and on behalf of our mutual people I thank him.

6. Got Something for You – Best Coast and Wavves
I mainly put this in here so you all know I’m hip and down with your young person music. But it’s also very lovely.

5. Last Christmas – Wham!
You know how I said I was hip and down with your young person music? I lied.


4. Another Rock n Roll Christmas – Iron Maiden

3. Happy Christmas (War is Over) – John Lennon and Yoko Ono
I tried to leave this off the list because it is depressing and not in a funny way like ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas?’ but in a sad way like when your cat dies. But it is so damn beautiful I had to include it and remind you all of its melancholic awesomeness.
The person who posted this video wants you to know that it is very RARE so make sure while you’re watching it you acknowledge how RARE it is because it is RARE.

2. How to Make Gravy – Paul Kelly (with Dan Kelly)

Paul Kelly is a living man-god who should be dipped in gold and perched high on a mountaintop for all to gaze upon and worship.

Here he is performing possibly the most beautiful Christmas song ever written with the very handsome Dan Kelly. Watch it and weep. I always do.

1. A Christmas Duel - The Hives and Cyndi Lauper

This is, without a doubt, my favourite Christmas song ever. It has already been noted how much I love Cyndi Lauper, but I also have a massive ladyboner for The Hives. Plus, any song that includes the words “I went down on your mother” is guaranteed to be a winner in my books.

And because you’ve all been good girls and boys, click 
here for your extra special Christmas treat. You’re welcome.